Conflict Kills

When you're leading a group of people, it's inevitable for conflict to arise.  What complicates it even more with teenagers is the fact that most of them have never been taught how to deal with conflict.  Their models were:  screaming, talking but not listening, pretending nothing is wrong and my favorite one...sweeping it under the rug.

Every youth worker MUST learn how to deal with conflict in their ministry.  If you don't, conflict will eventually kill your group.

I remember talking to a pastor friend about conflict in which he said to me, "These are the conversations we get paid to have.  Most of our job, as pastors, is enjoyable and fulfilling so we gotta get paid to do SOMETHING uncomfortable every once in a while!"

It's almost shocking to see how much conflict arises in ministry AND how often people come to us so we'll fix it...even if it doesn't involve us.

So, here are a couple things I've learned about dealing with conflict before it kills:

1. DO IT QUICKLY - if you don't deal with it fast, you'll start to see it affect the morale of your entire ministry.  And as the overseer/pastor, it's your job to call it out quickly and start taking the proper steps to see it handled well.  Don't be afraid...they're only teenagers.  If you don't deal with it quick, expect to see it on many Facebook status updates that will include more and more people and lead to LOTS of gossip.
2. WITHIN CHEEK SLAPPING DISTANCE - face to face is the best way to go (if you can).  Get whoever is involved and make them talk it out in person.  That leaves no room for gossip to creep in.  It's amazing how grace abounds in situations where people are ready to throw down with one another...and all because they met face to face.
3. LET GO OF CONTROL - when we ask God to help us deal with conflict in our ministry, He will...but it still might not be pretty.  Free will is dangerous and abused often.  So, remember that you can only do your part in the process.  Let people that aren't willing to do their part leave your church...you'll be better off in the long run even if people think you're a jerk for not doing everything you can to make them happy (especially Christians).  There are too many people going to hell because they don't know Jesus so let's focus on that mission instead of getting wrapped up in a game that we can't win or control.

Jesus wasn't afraid to deal with conflict head on.  We've got the same power backing us via the Holy Spirit!  So the question is...

    What conflict do you need to deal with right now?  Get on it!

Keep it Simple

Youth leaders often hear the phrase, “Hey, we should ___________ at our church!” It’s really nice to have students and parents offer all these great ideas of what they want to see their youth group do, but the problem is that they see things through a very specific lens. The lens of:  “My kid needs friends…church, please fix it.”

Too many churches allow their youth group to play into the unrealistic expectation of, “it’s the youth groups job to give the students a social life”. Creating an atmosphere where students can build friendships is very important, but not at the expense of the life and family of the youth pastor or the vision of the youth ministry.

The reality is that when someone says, “Hey, we should….”, what they’re really saying is, “Hey youth pastor, plan this event for me so I can show up and have fun.”  Ultimately, the work will land on your plate if you say “yes”.  Youth pastors need to learn how to say a very important word…

NO.

If you continue to let the everyone else run your calendar, you might as well give up on the vision God has given you to accomplish in your ministry.  Nothing kills the vision of a youth ministry better than a full and busy calendar driven by what everyone wants.  And say “goodbye” to your family and friends because what everyone wants from you is more important.

So, how do you keep it simple?  What do you say “no” to?

1. Hurt people’s feelings – yes, it is mean but you gotta do it.  If you say “yes” to everyone just because you don’t want to hurt their feelings, then you’re being driven by guilt.  And that’s not good for anyone.

You’re a leader, so go ahead and lead.

2. Stick to your strategy and vision – if you don’t have these yet, go ahead and figure it out.  Decision making is way easier when you know where you’re headed.

Our strategy is this:

Connect - Large Group (typically known as “youth service”)
Grow - Small Groups
Go – Student Leadership & Missions

We stick to that like white on rice.  Everything we do falls under one of those umbrellas and each is designed to accomplish a specific purpose (worship, fellowship, discipleship, ministry or evangelism).

WRAPPING IT UP:  saying “yes” to what everyone wants creates a busy calendar.  And a busy calendar is like paralyzing your students.  Too many options makes it too hard for them to decide what is important in your ministry.

So, make it easy on your students and know what you want them to experience…and then just offer stuff that accomplishes that.

First Timer Friendly?

When was the last time you looked at your youth service through the lens of a first time guest? Or have you wondered, “Why don’t our students bring their friends to church?”

It seems like God sends more new people to churches that are prepared for them. We can’t expect our students to bring their friends if we’re not doing our part to create a program that is inviting and welcoming. So the question is, “What are you doing to make their visit memorable?”

At some point, we’ve all wondered why new students aren’t coming back. And most often, it is because we aren’t doing anything intentional to help them get beyond the first visit. It’s not good enough to just say, “Hey, thanks for visiting us. See ya around!” And it’s not enough to simply pray that God will magically bring them back.

One of the great things about being a Christian is that we work WITH God. That means, we do our part and He does His.

So, here are a few things we’ve done to make that first time visit one to remember:

1. GIFTS GALORE – we have MULTIPLE touch points for the 1st timer. We give them a free energy drink and free bible (I found some inexpensive and SWEET bibles here.) We want new students to know that we were expecting them to show up. And nothing says that better than giving them a gift right on the spot! Secondly, we send them a handwritten postcard with a $5 Starbucks card 3 days after their visit. And by “WE”, I mean the students of our ministry write these and mail them out. Most of us youth pastors are too old to be cool so it’s much better to give our students some ownership of their ministry.

Some might say we’re shallow or that these are gimmicks and that’s okay. Wouldn’t you rather get made fun of than lead a youth ministry that is filled with a bunch of people that only care about themselves and don’t care about the mission of Jesus…to reach the lost?

2. COMM CARDS – communication cards, connection cards, info cards…it doesn’t matter what you call them. Here’s the million $$$ question: are you capturing the information of guests? Most youth pastors give-up on this idea because “it’s cheesy” or “I can’t read their writing” or “they won’t fill it out anyways”. And all of these are LAME excuses to not have a system to follow-up with your students.

We have a set time (45 seconds) where every single student grabs their COMM card and fills that bad boy out. We’ve learned that students won’t fill it out unless everyone else is doing it, too. So, the only way to get them all to do it was to set aside some specific time for this. It may sound like a lame part of our service, but there are ways to make it feel natural.

And guess what? It makes it a lot easier to send them a Starbucks card when we have their address. Crazy idea, huh?

3. MINGLERS – we have a student greeting team called “Minglers” that helps us create a program where “no one should be left out”. It’s virtually impossible for someone to walk in without getting a “hello, how’s it going" in our ministry. If you don’t have a team doing this yet, DO IT NOW! It’s very unlikely that your students will ever start welcoming new students if there isn’t an intentional team modeling this every week.

Phrase to remember: If everyone is responsible, NO ONE is responsible. So, get it going so that your youth ministry isn’t known as “the jerks that didn’t even say hi” in your city.

There are a couple ideas to put into action in your ministry. You might have something you already do and that is awesome! Just don’t be one of those youth pastors that has an excuse for everything you know you should be implementing. God wants your youth program to REACH and KEEP students beyond their first visit.

SO, what are YOU doing to intentionally make the 1st time visit one to remember?

Send us an e-mail for some FREE 1st time visitor resources.

Contact Us

If you're looking to get in contact with us, you've found the right page! There are a couple different OPTIONS depending on what you need:

1. E-mail - hit us up if there is something SIMPLE we can help you out with. It could be anything from a game idea, sermon illustration or our opinion on the best burger we've found to this date.
2. Phone Consultation - need to vent a little bit and figure out how to move your ministry forward? Well, we can setup a phone consultation to help you define the "STUCK SPOT" and take action on it.
3. Full Consultation & Training Event - do you need a bigger chunk of time to get into the nitty & gritty of your ministry? If so, this is for you! We do a full Student Ministries consultation and One-Day Training Event where we come to YOU. (See a sample schedule HERE)

Resources

"BORROW" SOME IDEAS FROM US!
Check out some of our videos below to get some ideas to help promote or see a NEW way of getting announcements actually heard by your students. We've "borrowed" ideas from other ministries so you might as well "borrow" some from us!

PRACTICAL STUFF:
Media Fire - a FREE site to host and share files. Great for resourcing a music team with mp3's/song sheets. Check out an example here.
Vimeo - the best site out there to host videos. Easy to embed videos to your website or blog!
Twitter - we sure hope you already know what this is.
Facebook - go create a Fan Page or Group...it's a great way to communicate with students, parents & leaders. Check out an example here.
Google Documents - this can be used for a variety of things. We've seen it used for sharing a music team schedule, teaching schedule, leadership team info and lots more!
Clover Website Design - they make bomb websites that keep it simple...and a great price!
The Source 4 Youth Ministry - lots of different stuff here. Best stuff is games/ice breakers.
The Parent Link - resource for communicating with parents.
Dropbox - FREE online backup site. It syncs with multiple computers.

STORES:
Worship House Media - the best online store we've seen for media. You can get backgrounds, videos, countdowns, motion backgrounds and more!
Stuff I Can Use - FREE sermon series' with mp3's, backgrounds, motion intros...the whole bit!
Simply Youth Ministry - you already know what this is, right?
The Dagger Project - those churchy Bibles out there just don't cut it for students. These are spray painted Bibles that are dirt cheap, but look sharp. Students will love them.
Seven Ministries - catchy looking sermon series' for sale here.

BLOGS:
Josh Griffin - high school pastor at Saddleback Church. He's always got great stuff to share.
Kurt Johnston - junior high pastor at Saddleback Church. He's a genuis leader.
Youth Ministry Geek - keep up with the latest techy stuff that will help your ministry.

MISSIONS/SERVE:
Center for Student Missions
Group Work Camps

About the Team

We may not have the age or credentials that usually go along with successful youth workers, but we have seen God use us to grow healthy youth ministries everywhere we go. Here is some brief history of our coaching team...

Gary Hale

Gary Hale graduated from Seattle Pacific University with a Bachelor's Degree in Educational Ministry and is currently attending Rockbridge Seminary. He started the youth ministry from scratch and saw it grow to over 100 students in less than 2 years at one of the fastest growing churches in America (Eastlake Church in Bothell, WA). He now serves as the Student Ministries Pastor at High Pointe Church in Puyallup, WA. Click here to e-mail Gary.

Lindsay Hale


The first thing you'll think when you meet Lindsay Hale is, "Her dad MUST have been a youth pastor." Her energetic and vibrant persona say it all when you meet her. Not only that, but she is also every youth pastors dream because she volunteers as many hours as a paid staff
person! Lindsay is one of the best at recognizing what volunteer leaders need to succeed, grow and be challenged in ministry. Click here to e-mail Lindsay.

David Day


David Day is one of those rare breeds that figured out that he wanted to become a youth pastor at a young age of 14. He began teaching and leading small groups at his church when he was 15 years old and hasn't looked back since. More recently, he has led student ministries of over 100 students at two churches (Eastlake Church & High Pointe Church). David is a Student Ministries Pastor at High Pointe Church and attends Seattle Pacific University. Nothing fires him up like helping non-Christians students see authentic Christianity and getting Christian students to own their youth ministry. Click here to e-mail David.

Churches & Ministries We've Worked With

Westside Community Church in Beaverton, Oregon
Crista Camps in Poulsbo, Washington (Recruit, Train & Retain Volunteer Workshop)
Eastlake Church in Bothell, Washington
High Pointe Church in Puyallup, Washington
First Baptist Church in Elk Grove, California